God Pruned My Pride

Pride goes before destruction,

a haughty spirit before a fall.

Proverbs 16:18

Life had been going pretty well.  I was doing great; I was content.  The kids were healthy and thriving, my husband and I were both gainfully employed, our debt was minimal and we were comfortable in our daily routine.  Life was good.  Then two major events happened which turned everything upside-down.  Both events humbled me in so many ways, but both also provided a rich environment for my pride to take center stage. 

By far, the most devastating was the first event.  After a few months of swallowing difficulties followed by 7 months on an acid-free diet (a misdiagnosis) with no ease in swallowing, my husband of 35 years, was told he had Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), aka Lou Gehrig’s disease.  It is a terminal disease with no known cure and no substantial treatments.  The prognosis was nothing short of devastating. My husband had no other option but to resign from his job the day he was diagnosed.  Shocked doesn't even begin to describe our state of mind. 

The second event occurred two months later when I resigned my job of 13 years to be his full-time caregiver.  We had some savings and a small retirement but neither would get us very far. 

I became emotionally, physically and spiritually broken. 

Within just a few short months I had gone from being entirely content to being completely lost.  How could this have happened?  How was I going to fix it?  I needed control but nothing was in my control.  So, I reverted back to what I had always done in the past to cope, behaviors that were mirrored to me throughout my childhood.  I turned to alcohol and cigarettes. 

He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him;

he cannot save himself or say,

“Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?” 

Isaiah 44:20

It is so distressing to me to realize how I can be so aware of God moving in my life yet at the same time, not truly be able to acknowledge it.

My husband had to leave his job immediately to file for disability because there was a mandatory FIVE MONTH waiting period and we needed to get the ball rolling right away.  That day his employer drove to our home with his final paycheck in hand, it included FIVE MONTHS of severance pay! 

God moving! 

We applied for public assistance in various forms and each person we spoke to not only helped us but then directed us to yet another helpful program. 

God continued moving! 

In the end, we qualified for several programs, including one that paid our mortgage for an entire year! 

God was still moving! 

Family and friends opened their hearts and their wallets and in so doing we were able to make it through the winter. 

God kept moving!

Outwardly, I was aware that God was moving in our lives yet inwardly I was still losing control and spiraling downward.  My pride had been trampled on in that I no longer saw myself as successful and had lost all control. I couldn’t find a way to deal with this loss or more importantly, the inevitable and devastating loss to come.  This disease, and most especially, this particular fast developing form of ALS, was terminal.

One evening, I consumed far too much of my coping mechanisms and shamefully took it out on my husband and God, lashing out verbally at both.  It was then that I realized that not only was I unable to control anything around me, but I wasn't even able to control myself.  It shattered my pride and humbly brought me to my knees, exactly where God needed me to be…

You see, God was still moving!

I immediately stopped relying on my “coping mechanisms” and threw myself into God’s Word.  I embarked on a new Bible study by Beth Moore titled “Breaking Free” and with God’s pruning and Beth’s mentorship, I began learning that pride was getting in the way of my being able to fully see and accept God moving in my life.  I discovered that I need to be taught how to stop trying to control and trust God, because no matter what terrifying trials lie ahead, I was not alone.  He was with me; He had always been with me.  He would always be with me.

But I think the most valuable lesson I learned is that I am, at my very best, weak.  Any strength that I have or that others might see in me, is a strength that can only be attained through God and His Spirit.  If His Spirit is in me then I can draw from His power and His strength, but if I choose to rely on myself, then only my frailty and my weakness will show. 

It was during this time that I realized the only control I truly had was to walk humbly, to continue to rely on His strength, and allow Him to prune my heart so it could blossom, even during the most trying times of my life.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you,

for My power is made perfect in weakness.  

2 Corinthians 12:9

 He has showed you, O man, what is good. 

And what does the LORD require of you? 

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God. 

Micah 6:8