God Pruned My Pride

Pride goes before destruction,

a haughty spirit before a fall.

Proverbs 16:18

Life had been going pretty well.  I had been doing great, I was content.  The kids were all healthy and thriving.  My husband and I were both gainfully employed, our debt was minimal and we were comfortable in our home.  Life was good.  Then two major events happened which turned everything upside-down.  Both events humbled me in so many ways, but both also provided a rich environment for my pride to take center stage. 

By far, the most devastating was the first event.  After a few months of swallowing difficulties followed by 7 months on an acid-free diet with no ease in swallowing, my husband of 35 years, was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), aka Lou Gehrig’s disease.  It is a terminal disease with no known cure and no helpful treatments.  The prognosis is nothing but devastating. My husband had no other option but to resign from his job the day he was diagnosed.  We were in shock, we were numb. 

The second event occurred two months later when I resigned my job of 13 years to be his full-time caregiver.  We had some savings and a small retirement but neither would get us very far. 

Emotionally, physically and spiritually, I was broken. 

Within just a few short months I had gone from being totally content to being completely destroyed.  How could this have happened?  How was I going to fix it?  I needed control but nothing was in my control.  So, I reverted back to what I had always done in the past to cope, behaviors that were mirrored to me throughout my childhood.  I turned to alcohol and cigarettes. 

He feeds on ashes, a deluded heart misleads him;

he cannot save himself or say,

“Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?” 

Isaiah 44:20

It is so distressing to me to realize how I can be so aware of God moving in my life yet not truly acknowledge it at the same time. 

My husband had to leave his job immediately to file for disability because there was a mandatory five-month waiting period and we needed to get the ball rolling right away.  That day his employer showed up at our home with his final paycheck in hand, it included five months’ severance pay! 

God moving! 

We applied for public assistance in various forms and each person we spoke to not only helped us but then directed us to yet another helpful program. 

God moving! 

In the end, we qualified for several programs, including one that paid our mortgage for one year! 

God moving! 

Family and friends opened their hearts and their wallets and in so doing we were able to make it through the winter. 

God moving!

Outwardly, I was aware that God was moving in our lives yet inwardly I was still losing control and spiraling downward.  My pride had been trampled on in that I no longer saw myself as successful and had lost all control. I couldn’t find a way to deal with this loss or more importantly, the devastating loss to come. 

One evening, I consumed too much of my coping mechanisms and shamefully took it out on my husband and God, lashing out verbally at both.  It was then that I realized that not only was I unable to control anything around me, but I also wasn’t able to control myself.  It shattered my pride and humbly brought me to my knees, exactly where God needed me to be…

God moving!

I immediately stopped relying on my “coping mechanisms” and threw myself into God’s Word.  I embarked on a new Bible study by Beth Moore titled “Breaking Free” and with God’s pruning and Beth’s mentorship, I began learning that pride was getting in the way of my being able to fully see and accept God moving in my life.  I discovered that I need to be taught how to stop trying to control and trust God, because no matter what terrifying trials lie ahead, I was not alone.  He was with me; He has always been with me.  I also saw that I must stop putting myself first and realize that no matter what I have, I have it because it is a gift from God… everything good in my life is because He chose to bless me. 

But I think the most valuable lesson I learned is that I am, at my very best, weak.  Any strength that I may have or that others might see in me, is a strength that can only be attained through God and His Spirit.  If His Spirit is in me then I can draw from His power and His strength, but if I choose to rely on myself, then only my frailty and my weakness will show. 

Now it is all up to me to walk humbly, to continue to rely on His strength, and allow His pruning of my heart to blossom.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you,

for My power is made perfect in weakness.  

2 Corinthians 12:9

 He has showed you, O man, what is good. 

And what does the LORD require of you? 

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God. 

Micah 6:8

(Author note: The life experience I've shared took place before God truly set me free for good, I was still very much playing a dangerous game of tug-o-war with God.)